I am an out and proud Christian who happens to be married to a woman. I guess you could call me a gay Christian. It feels commonplace to say that now, but there was a time those two words couldn’t coexist in my world.
I knew I was different by the time I was 8-years-old. I didn’t have the vocabulary for it, but I just knew. Once I understood my difference, I realized I could never share this with anyone else. It would have to be a secret that I took to my grave. Do you know what happens to someone who feels they have to keep secrets?
Shame and self-hatred happens.
My journey to accepting my sexual orientation has been excruciating. Thankfully, I am now at the place where I’m no longer shackled by shame and self-hatred. I have a full life – wife, child, church family, and career.
Oftentimes, persons who are struggling in the midst of this journey of self-acceptance – whether as ex-gay, celibate gay Christians, or affirming gay Christians – will ask me for advice on how to reconcile faith and sexual orientation.
So, here is my advice for those on this difficult, soul wrenching journey.
The journey you are now on is one that takes incredible courage. At times, you will experience confusion, doubt, anger and a whole host of other emotions. You may feel anger at God for your pain. “Why isn’t God taking away my attractions when I’ve begged?” You may be confused about why others seem so sure of their beliefs and you can’t seem to get there. There may be moments where the pain and confusion become unbearable, and you begin contemplating suicide. If you get to that point, please reach out for help. There are wonderful resources that can help you. (I will provide these resources at the end of the post). Even if it seems like you are alone, your Creator is with you. Even if you can’t feel God’s presence, God is with you!
First of all, God loves you so much! Let’s get that cleared up. No matter where you land on how you believe God wants you to live out your sexuality, God’s love for you will NEVER change.
I can’t give you THE ANSWER. Sure, I wholeheartedly believe God blesses same sex relationships and that homosexuality is a natural God-created variant in creation. Yes, I think all the ‘evidence’ points to this conclusion. But, I know that my telling you what to think just adds to the multitude of voices that are telling you what to believe. I know it gets confusing with all those outside voices. It may seem that everyone on both sides (affirming and non-affirming) is so sure of the answer. It can feel overwhelming! Yes, study Scripture and read books, but take the time to listen to your own inner voice and to the Holy Spirit.
One of the best pieces of advice given to me came from a spiritual director. Realizing that I was drowning in confusion, she challenged me to always “go toward what brings life.” So for me, twenty-five years of believing God condemned homosexuality and my sexual orientation needed changing brought me anxiety, shame, depression, self-hatred, and suicidal thoughts. This is not life! I would challenge you to pursue what “brings you life.” And if accepting yourself as gay but celibate because you believe God doesn’t affirm same sex relationships brings you life, then I say go live it to the fullest!
Don’t hesitate to see a good therapist. By good, I mean someone who believes you have the right to determine what’s best for you. I caution you to avoid any counselor who practices reparative therapy or conversion therapy, which seeks to change one’s sexual orientation or gender identity. It has been rejected by EVERY mainstream medical and mental health organization. It’s dangerous; research suggests it can worsen feelings of self-hatred and anxiety.
During therapy be willing to confront any internalized homophobia and/or church-related spiritual trauma. It’s almost certain that you’ve encountered these things, even if you don’t realize it yet.
My final advice is to reach out to people like us – who understand what you are experiencing. There are many wonderful groups of LGBTQ Christians who are more than willing to provide support. Some include: Q Christian Fellowship, Revoice, Reformation Project, Spiritual Friendship, The Christian Closet, LOVEboldly and many more.
As I end this, I want to stress that God loves you no matter what! I believe it’s impossible to accept ourselves if we don’t truly grasp God’s love for us. I challenge you to ask God to show you how much you are loved in a way that touches the deepest parts of your heart.
My prayer for you is that “God gives you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner self, and I pray that Christ will make his home in your heart through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love, so that you, together with all God’s people, may have the power to understand how broad and long, how high and deep, is Christ’s love. May you come to know his love and so be completely filled with the very nature of God.”
Although you may feel overwhelmed, you will emerge from this struggle. There will be a day where you will be comfortable in your skin and go on to live a fulfilling life. You are deeply loved!
Resources if you struggling with suicide:
Trevor Project 1-866-488-7386 (also has text and chat)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 (also has chat)