Recently, I cleaned up the files on my computer and came across the manuscript for a talk I gave in a chapel service at a Christian university. I decided to share it here on my blog.
I am a devoted follower of Jesus Christ, who happens to be gay (which means I am emotionally, mentally, romantically, and physically attracted to women).
I’m one of those people who can say that I have been a part of the Church for my entire life, even within my mother’s womb. I cannot remember a time when I haven’t known who Jesus is. I publicly accepted Christ as Lord and Savior at a young age and was baptized shortly. I was the kid in kindergarten who took gospel magazines to school with the intent of handing them out at recess. I loved going to church every moment that I could.
I understand what it feels like to love Jesus but realize that you are beginning to identify with those ‘types’ of people being preached against on any given Sunday. I understand how it feels when you think (know) there is no one you can talk to about these feelings. You are afraid of being embarrassed or rejected by those you love. So, you struggle silently. I understand how you have to sort through the turmoil all by yourself, wondering if God is disappointed in you because you cannot control your same sex feelings. Every night you beg God before going to sleep to take away your feelings and make you normal so that He will not send you to hell. I understand how it feels to feel hopeless, deficient, and condemned. You always seem to live in fear that your friends, family, and church are going to figure out your secret. This causes you to refuse any type of physical touch as well as leads you to put up walls so that no one truly knows the real you. Sometimes, you wonder if suicide would finally give you some peace.
Although I was a Christian, I realized that I was not experiencing sexual and affectional attraction like my female peers. I became desperate for answers (this was before Ellen, the Internet, and Will and Grace) but did not feel safe talking about it with anyone. Instead, I found the answers from watching talk shows. One these shows people who had the same attractions as me said that they were gay. I finally had the answer… I’m gay. This answer briefly silenced the inner confusion; however, the peace I felt soon dissolved into terror. I had often heard the verbal slurs coming from the church. I knew what Christians thought about homosexuals.
I did not want these feelings. I thought there was no hope for me. So, I was afraid to come near God. I loved and wanted to serve Jesus, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts and feelings. I read my Bible and prayed fervently, thinking that trying harder could help me stop being gay. But it didn’t work.
I thought God was disappointed in me. I continued going to church but thought I could only serve him from a distance. I tried to do good things with the intention that maybe God would see that I wanted to be a good Christian. I did not dare to tell anyone.
All of this burden took a heavy toll on me. I wanted to die so that I could feel peace. I could not think about my future because I did not want to live to see adulthood. I felt alone and afraid.
I kept my secret to myself until I finally told someone else at age 19.
I am now in my thirties, and this journey of reconciling my faith and sexual orientation has been difficult. I spent a few years in ex-gay ministry. I was fortunate to attend a group whose leaders were healthy and unconditionally loving. My years in that group were positive and I was able to work on areas of my life that has made me a better person today. Things like setting healthy boundaries, forgiveness, and becoming closer to God. I’m fortunate that I had a positive experience because there are many out there who had horrible ones and are still trying to heal from the damage inflicted upon them.
However, although my experience was positive, my sexual orientation wasn’t changing. After realizing I was still the same, I became frustrated and angry. I was angry with myself and angry with God.
But, I couldn’t walk away from my faith. My beliefs concerning Jesus Christ were secure, but I began questioning what I had been told concerning homosexuality. I was tired of hearing what everyone’s opinions were on this topic. I only wanted to hear what God thought of it. I immersed myself in learning Greek and Hebrew so that I could read for myself what Scriptures says about it.
During those years of questioning, there were moments of darkness where I felt I couldn’t see any glimpse of light. I lost loved ones who couldn’t handle my questioning. I felt rejected.
There were also moments of great joy, peace, and comfort. I learned that God isn’t angry with my questions. The depth of my relationship with God is deeper than it has ever been in my life thus far. I’m no longer afraid to express my love to God, and I know without a doubt that he loves me
To those reading this who:
- Find yourselves attracted to the same sex and feel alone, afraid to tell anyone for fear of rejection.
- Find yourselves attracted to the same sex and open about it. Maybe you have embraced celibacy. You feel frustrated when the straight people around you callously tell you that Jesus is all you need after you had just shared that you are lonely and long for companionship. They tell you this right before they go to a movie with their significant other and don’t think twice about holding his/her hand.
- Find yourselves frustrated when you hear people say that they love you but they don’t support your ‘lifestyle,’ as if gay people have one lifestyle that we share or that out whole life is structured around sex.
- Find yourselves deeply hurt when you hear your Christina friends share gay jokes and call each other ‘fags’ or say things like ‘that’s gay.’
- Find yourselves feeling like you have been kicked in the stomach after seeing your social media feeds with hurtful posts from those you love
- Find yourselves feeling that God couldn’t possibly love you because you’re ‘different.’
- Find yourselves believing that suicide is the best option.
I want to tell you that you are the beloved of God. Let that truth sink in. God loves you. God loves you.
You are not broken. You are not the nasty slurs. You are not what some members of the church have called you.
You are beautiful!
You are deeply and unconditionally loved!