Navigating the Confusion

I am an out and proud Christian who happens to be married to a woman. I guess you could call me a gay Christian. It feels commonplace to say that now, but there was a time those two words couldn’t coexist in my world.

I knew I was different by the time I was 8-years-old. I didn’t have the vocabulary for it, but I just knew. Once I understood my difference, I realized I could never share this with anyone else. It would have to be a secret that I took to my grave. Do you know what happens to someone who feels they have to keep secrets?

Shame and self-hatred happens.

My journey to accepting my sexual orientation has been excruciating. Thankfully, I am now at the place where I’m no longer shackled by shame and self-hatred. I have a full life – wife, child, church family, and career.

Oftentimes, persons who are struggling in the midst of this journey of self-acceptance – whether as ex-gay, celibate gay Christians, or affirming gay Christians – will ask me for advice on how to reconcile faith and sexual orientation.

So, here is my advice for those on this difficult, soul wrenching journey.

Beloved,

The journey you are now on is one that takes incredible courage. At times, you will experience confusion, doubt, anger and a whole host of other emotions. You may feel anger at God for your pain. “Why isn’t God taking away my attractions when I’ve begged?” You may be confused about why others seem so sure of their beliefs and you can’t seem to get there. There may be moments where the pain and confusion become unbearable, and you begin contemplating suicide. If you get to that point, please reach out for help. There are wonderful resources that can help you. (I will provide these resources at the end of the post). Even if it seems like you are alone, your Creator is with you. Even if you can’t feel God’s presence, God is with you!

First of all, God loves you so much! Let’s get that cleared up. No matter where you land on how you believe God wants you to live out your sexuality, God’s love for you will NEVER change.

I can’t give you THE ANSWER. Sure, I wholeheartedly believe God blesses same sex relationships and that homosexuality is a natural God-created variant in creation. Yes, I think all the ‘evidence’ points to this conclusion. But, I know that my telling you what to think just adds to the multitude of voices that are telling you what to believe. I know it gets confusing with all those outside voices. It may seem that everyone on both sides (affirming and non-affirming) is so sure of the answer. It can feel overwhelming! Yes, study Scripture and read books, but take the time to listen to your own inner voice and to the Holy Spirit.

One of the best pieces of advice given to me came from a spiritual director. Realizing that I was drowning in confusion, she challenged me to always “go toward what brings life.” So for me, twenty-five years of believing God condemned homosexuality and my sexual orientation needed changing brought me anxiety, shame, depression, self-hatred, and suicidal thoughts. This is not life! I would challenge you to pursue what “brings you life.” And if accepting yourself as gay but celibate because you believe God doesn’t affirm same sex relationships brings you life, then I say go live it to the fullest!

Don’t hesitate to see a good therapist. By good, I mean someone who believes you have the right to determine what’s best for you. I caution you to avoid any counselor who practices reparative therapy or conversion therapy, which seeks to change one’s sexual orientation or gender identity. It has been rejected by EVERY mainstream medical and mental health organization. It’s dangerous; research suggests it can worsen feelings of self-hatred and anxiety.

During therapy be willing to confront any internalized homophobia and/or church-related spiritual trauma. It’s almost certain that you’ve encountered these things, even if you don’t realize it yet.

My final advice is to reach out to people like us – who understand what you are experiencing. There are many wonderful groups of LGBTQ Christians who are more than willing to provide support. Some include: Q Christian Fellowship, Revoice, Reformation Project, Spiritual Friendship, The Christian Closet, LOVEboldly and many more.

As I end this, I want to stress that God loves you no matter what! I believe it’s impossible to accept ourselves if we don’t truly grasp God’s love for us. I challenge you to ask God to show you how much you are loved in a way that touches the deepest parts of your heart.

My prayer for you is that “God gives you power through his Spirit to be strong in your inner self, and I pray that Christ will make  his home in your heart through faith. I pray that you may have your roots and foundation in love, so that you, together with all God’s people, may have the power to understand how broad and long, how high and deep, is Christ’s love. May you come to know his love and so be completely filled with the very nature of God.”

Although you may feel overwhelmed, you will emerge from this struggle. There will be a day where you will be comfortable in your skin and go on to live a fulfilling life. You are deeply loved!

 

 

Resources if you struggling with suicide:

Trevor Project   1-866-488-7386 (also has text and chat)

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  1-800-273-8255 (also has chat)

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LGBTQ in Obion County – Anthony

Anthony C. Jones, 32, Gay

Louisville, KY

Life in a rural community was, in so many ways, alienating and lonely. Trust was something I was always skeptical of. I wasn’t able to come out until I was 22 and had moved to Murray, KY. I was always afraid back home. That fear kept me from ever taking the chance to reach out and find allies, open minded people, or anyone that would embrace who I am, regardless of the culture.

 

When I came out, my mom even remarked about the difficulty of still living in Obion Co and having a gay son. People judged her, as if she was a failure of a parent because her son was gay. She just simply loved me. I was fortunate that I didn’t have a family that would have left me homeless because I was gay; regardless, I still was afraid to live openly. As so many of my fellow youth then, I lived a hidden life. I went to church every time the doors were open. I sat in the pew every Sunday hearing the pastor spew noting but hatred and anger that gay people existed. I heard him proclaim nothing but fire and brimstone and eternal damnation for those that were different. Eventually, I lost faith in Christianity, and became Wiccan. I found a faith that embraced who I was, and where I felt accepted and loved.
My fear of coming out didn’t come from what was supposed to be my church home, though. It came from high school. Ever since my freshman year, I was routinely called “faggot” and “queer” from the kids I went to school with. What kept me in fear, and later inspired my passion for advocacy, was seeing first hand a classmate that was out and proud. To be honest, he couldn’t hide it, and I respected that more than I could express. I knew that he was bullied and threatened, and eventually had to leave school. I still feel guilty to this day that I didn’t stand up for him. He survived, and fortunately also had family members that loved him for who he was.
I do wish I had the chance back then to live my life as the person that I am. So many years later, I’ve learned that I would have had allies, and that there were people there that would have been there for me, had I only had the courage to be open. As a side note, I chose to move to Louisville because it is the first place that I held another man’s hand in public, walking down the street, and was not afraid. To this day, because of that experience and many others, I don’t feel that paralyzing fear anymore.

 

I miss the sense of community from back home, and the slower pace of life. When I do go home to visit my mom, I make a point to sit on her porch at night and watch the fireflies. I look up at the stars, a sky that I don’t see due to light pollution here. I miss the quiet, the lack of sirens and traffic. Above all, I miss the peacefulness.

 

I want the people back home to know the damage they are doing to their own neighbors and friends. LGBTQ folks are like anyone else. Some of us go to church, some don’t. We all are humans, and shouldn’t be treated like enemies. We all want to be happy in life, and to live our dreams. Just because two men or two women want to share their lives, that doesn’t make them evil. They are who they are. They are a part of of the community, and can make the world a better place if given the chance. Just because a preacher says they are evil doesn’t mean that is true. Love one another. Judge people on their character, not who they love.

 

Be brave. Be bold. Maybe you cant change the world, but you can change the hearts and minds of those close to you. Never take for granted those that love you. Don’t be afraid. There are allies out there. Not everyone is against you. Seek out those that will accept and love you, and above all else, do all you can to be happy. You are going to have to make choices that nobody should have to make. You are going to have to have strength to overcome that adversity. That strength and passion is within you. Done give up, don’t let them hold you down, and again, most importantly, be happy.

Seeking a Church While Gay

I’m trying to find a Christian faith community where I can worship, serve, and grow in my faith. I have always loved being a part of the church. I’ve never had trouble finding one where I felt I belonged.

 

Until now.

 

For the first time in my life, I am experiencing the anxiety and dread of visiting churches. My heart beats rapidly and my stomach is in knots every single time I walk into a church.

 

Every.Single.Time.

 

It’s difficult this time because I cannot just think of myself when searching for a church. Soon, I will be married and starting a family. Will we be accepted? Will our future children be told that their parents are abominations? Will the church we attend allow us to join? To serve? Will they gladly take our tithes and offerings but only allow us to be spectators in the pews? Will we be able to teach Sunday School? Will we be merely tolerated?

 

I want a place where my spouse and I will be encouraged and guided in our marriage. I want a place where my children will learn about and experience the love of the Triune God and seek to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. I want accountability in how I treat my partner and raise my children.

 

There is a church that we have been attending for a few months. We both like it and believe in its mission. Every morning, I write down ’email pastor to set up a meeting’ on my to-do list. So far, it has not been crossed off my list at the end of the day. I constantly think about competing this task. My heart starts to race. My stomach twists in knots.

 

I decide not to do it.

 

I am too afraid of the possibility of rejection.

LGBTQ in Obion County – Craig

Craig R. Lewis, 35, Gay

(Pictured with husband, David and children, Knox & Kruz)

Where do you live now? Gardner, Kansas

What was it like for you to live in a rural community? I really enjoyed living in the country, five miles outside of Hornbeak, Tennessee. I came from a very large family that fulfilled me with love, guidance, and most of all God’s word. Challenges started for me at the age of 6 that something was different about me.

What do you love best about the area? I am country… I am a man and I still at the age of 35 now like to wake up and go take a piss outside with no worry of getting a ticket for indecency exposure….lol

What would you like for local residents to know about the LGBTQ community? This is a powerful questions…. kinda like the layers of an onion…. the more you pull the layers of skin away the more I cry… ummm but I guess the adult answer would be, being apart of this organization save me because more than I care to say wanted to end the battle that I had inside of me.

People of the community that I do love very much needs to understand that God’s love is ALWAYS UNCONDITIONAL. So unless you have walked in my shoes, have been disowned by your family, or any negatively what so ever about who you are and how you live your life to be happy…. my suggestion is to just shut the fuck up…. because today I have the family I dreamed of for a very long time. David and I are great people and have 2 beautiful children that will never have to go through what I had to… my love for everyone is unconditional. .. just like my Heavenly Father…

What advice would you give to those in the area who may feel alone? We are all made in the image of God. You have a purpose in this life, you may not see it at the moment but everyone does. Be patient and lesson to that still voice inside of you for leadership and guidance. I’m not saying it going to be easy…. but my friend you are not alone… and you have purpose.

Never give up on your dreams… because God is alive and well and knows all things with each of us…. even the numbers of hairs on your head…

Hold your head high! Because you too are a blank canvass that needs colorful stokes to paint your future… it is there for you as long as you stay true to yourself.

Photo/Essay project highlighting the LGBTQ and Ally Community in Obion County (a rural area in TN). Some participants still live in the area, while others have moved away after growing up there.

LGBTQ in Obion County – Eric

mike-and-eric-2

Eric (right) and Mike (left) reside in Kansas City, MO with their rambunctious guinea pig, Clyde.

Who Claps for You?

Finding yourself, at any age, is a process. This was certainly the case for me as a gay teen in a small town. For me, it was a long painful process that lasted into my twenties. To be frank, the transition to adulthood sucked. I grew up in Troy, TN and like many, I struggled with my identity in high school. Early on, I felt different but could not articulate why. As I matured, I began to appreciate the things that made me unique. That happened over time and with a support system. While I didn’t come out until my twenties, those that came out in high school faced challenges. The ones that were happier had a support system in place. They included a combination of family, close friends, and involvement in extra-curricular activities. My involvement in the arts changed my life. When I came out, my strongest advocates were fellow musicians, people I met through music, and my brother. To paraphrase one of my mentors, look for those who clap for you. Those were the ones that clapped for me.

Brene Brown once said, “vulnerability is at the core, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” It takes a lot of courage to live an authentic life, regardless of orientation or identity. I remained in the closet for part of my college life and was fearful of rejection, loss, and being alone. I learned quickly that coming out strengthened the relationships that mattered, so I began investing in the people who accepted me for me. In my ten years teaching public school, I’ve seen students struggle with self identity. I will say that our the youth of today is much more accepting of diversity than it was when I began teaching and certainly when I was in high school. I believe the next few years will produce more accepting and caring people. You can help carry that torch to make sure that happens.

Over five years ago, I began conducting a church choir at East End United Methodist Church. The experience there changed my life in many ways. I’m not overtly religious, but it was the first time I’ve ever been involved in a church community that welcomed members with the creed “Come as You Are.” The pastor went out of her way to welcome me and my partner at the time. Through East End I met some wonderful people, including two of my best friends, Carl and Leo. Carl collects antiques and sings bass in the choir. Leo makes an awesome meal best served with a side of sarcasm. They’ve been together for over thirty years. In 2014, Carl invited me on a rafting trip with several gay and straight men. I was single at the time. Carl used the rafting trip to set me up with the love of my life, Mike Valentine. We went on an official date two days later and have been together ever since. Our relationship has had several ups and downs, but like every healthy relationship, we’ve worked our way through it together.

My message to my eighteen year-old self is that self identity is a fluid concept. I have embraced the fact that I will continue to evolve and change as long as I live. In fact I don’t think I’ll ever completely figure it out and I’m ok with that. I have chosen to surround myself with those who enrich my life. My advice to you is find a place that you’re happy, grow roots, and make a difference. BUT, before you can clap for others, you have to find out who claps for you.

 

What was it like for you to live in a rural community?

It was difficult for me, but I was still figuring myself out at that point. I felt different but could not articulate why. As I matured, I began to appreciate the things that made me unique. That happened over time with a support system and my involvement in the arts.

What do you love best about the area?

I liked being in a place where people knew your name. There’s a sense of security in that. Its harder to find that in Nashville or Kansas City.

What would you like for local residents to know about the LGBTQ community?

I would like to let local residents know that it is very difficult to be LGBTQ, especially in smaller communities. Simple things like public affection, displaying pictures of significant others on a work desk, social media, or simply being themselves could have been followed with fear or shame. Some of the most intelligent, creative, and resourceful people in the world come from the LGBTQ community. They deserve acceptance and equal rights.

What advice would you give to those in the area who may feel alone?

I’ve taught public schools for ten years and am currently going to graduate school in a music conservatory. One thing to keep in mind regarding high school or college is that you’re never alone and you should always feel that you are valued. It takes a lot of courage to live an authentic life, regardless of orientation or identity. My message to my eighteen year-old self is that self identity is a fluid concept. I have embraced the fact that I will continue to evolve and change as long as I live. In fact I don’t think I’ll ever completely figure it out and I’m ok with that. I have chosen to surround myself with those who enrich my life. My advice to you is find a place that you’re happy, grow roots, and make a difference.

 

 

Photo/Essay project highlighting the LGBTQ and Ally Community in Obion County (a rural area in TN). Some participants still live in the area, while others have moved away after growing up there.

LGBTQ in Obion County Project

For the next several weeks, I will be featuring a project that is near and dear to my heart. I recently moved back to my hometown in rural Tennessee for 3 months in order to take care of my grandmother.

 

Honestly, I was fearful to go back. I haven’t stayed in the area for a significant amount of time since I graduated from college in 2003. I’m not bashing the area; the people are beautiful, and the southern hospitality is wonderful. People go out of their way to say hello there. My fear came from the fact that I am publicly out as gay. Not a little out, but ‘I’m engaged to marry a woman this year’ out.

 

As I was growing up in my hometown, I felt alone. I thought I was the only person that was struggling with my sexual orientation. I’ve come to realize that I was never alone. There were others just like me; we even went to school together. I wonder what it would have been like if we all had known that there were others around us struggling with the same thing.

 

This project will highlight people from my hometown who have found the courage to live authentically and want others to know that they are not alone. Allies have also been included to let others know that they are there in the area, supporting the LGBTQ community. Some participants still live in the area, while others have moved to other areas.

 

May this project find its way to those who need to know that they are not alone.

 

You Are Loved

Recently, I cleaned up the files on my computer and came across the manuscript for a talk I gave in a chapel service at a Christian university. I decided to share it here on my blog.

 

I am a devoted follower of Jesus Christ, who happens to be gay (which means I am emotionally, mentally, romantically, and physically attracted to women).
I’m one of those people who can say that I have been a part of the Church for my entire life, even within my mother’s womb. I cannot remember a time when I haven’t known who Jesus is. I publicly accepted Christ as Lord and Savior at a young age and was baptized shortly. I was the kid in kindergarten who took gospel magazines to school with the intent of handing them out at recess. I loved going to church every moment that I could.

 
BUT

 
I understand what it feels like to love Jesus but realize that you are beginning to identify with those ‘types’ of people being preached against on any given Sunday. I understand how it feels when you think (know) there is no one you can talk to about these feelings. You are afraid of being embarrassed or rejected by those you love. So, you struggle silently. I understand how you have to sort through the turmoil all by yourself, wondering if God is disappointed in you because you cannot control your same sex feelings. Every night you beg God before going to sleep to take away your feelings and make you normal so that He will not send you to hell. I understand how it feels to feel hopeless, deficient, and condemned. You always seem to live in fear that your friends, family, and church are going to figure out your secret. This causes you to refuse any type of physical touch as well as leads you to put up walls so that no one truly knows the real you. Sometimes, you wonder if suicide would finally give you some peace.

 
Although I was a Christian, I realized that I was not experiencing sexual and affectional attraction like my female peers. I became desperate for answers (this was before Ellen, the Internet, and Will and Grace) but did not feel safe talking about it with anyone. Instead, I found the answers from watching talk shows. One these shows people who had the same attractions as me said that they were gay. I finally had the answer… I’m gay. This answer briefly silenced the inner confusion; however, the peace I felt soon dissolved into terror. I had often heard the verbal slurs coming from the church. I knew what Christians thought about homosexuals.

 
I did not want these feelings. I thought there was no hope for me. So, I was afraid to come near God. I loved and wanted to serve Jesus, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts and feelings. I read my Bible and prayed fervently, thinking that trying harder could help me stop being gay. But it didn’t work.

 
I thought God was disappointed in me. I continued going to church but thought I could only serve him from a distance. I tried to do good things with the intention that maybe God would see that I wanted to be a good Christian. I did not dare to tell anyone.
All of this burden took a heavy toll on me. I wanted to die so that I could feel peace. I could not think about my future because I did not want to live to see adulthood. I felt alone and afraid.

 
I kept my secret to myself until I finally told someone else at age 19.
I am now in my thirties, and this journey of reconciling my faith and sexual orientation has been difficult. I spent a few years in ex-gay ministry. I was fortunate to attend a group whose leaders were healthy and unconditionally loving. My years in that group were positive and I was able to work on areas of my life that has made me a better person today. Things like setting healthy boundaries, forgiveness, and becoming closer to God. I’m fortunate that I had a positive experience because there are many out there who had horrible ones and are still trying to heal from the damage inflicted upon them.
However, although my experience was positive, my sexual orientation wasn’t changing. After realizing I was still the same, I became frustrated and angry. I was angry with myself and angry with God.

 
But, I couldn’t walk away from my faith. My beliefs concerning Jesus Christ were secure, but I began questioning what I had been told concerning homosexuality. I was tired of hearing what everyone’s opinions were on this topic. I only wanted to hear what God thought of it. I immersed myself in learning Greek and Hebrew so that I could read for myself what Scriptures says about it.
During those years of questioning, there were moments of darkness where I felt I couldn’t see any glimpse of light. I lost loved ones who couldn’t handle my questioning. I felt rejected.

 

BUT

 

There were also moments of great joy, peace, and comfort. I learned that God isn’t angry with my questions. The depth of my relationship with God is deeper than it has ever been in my life thus far. I’m no longer afraid to express my love to God, and I know without a doubt that he loves me

 

To those reading this who:

  •  Find yourselves attracted to the same sex and feel alone, afraid to tell anyone for fear of rejection.
  •  Find yourselves attracted to the same sex and open about it. Maybe you have embraced celibacy. You feel frustrated when the straight people around you callously tell you that Jesus is all you need after you had just shared that you are lonely and long for companionship. They tell you this right before they go to a movie with their significant other and don’t think twice about holding his/her hand.
  • Find yourselves frustrated when you hear people say that they love you but they don’t support your ‘lifestyle,’ as if gay people have one lifestyle that we share or that out whole life is structured around sex.
  • Find yourselves deeply hurt when you hear your Christina friends share gay jokes and call each other ‘fags’ or say things like ‘that’s gay.’
  • Find yourselves feeling like you have been kicked in the stomach after seeing your social media feeds with hurtful posts from those you love
  • Find yourselves feeling that God couldn’t possibly love you because you’re ‘different.’
  • Find yourselves believing that suicide is the best option.

 

 

I want to tell you that you are the beloved of God. Let that truth sink in. God loves you. God loves you.
You are not broken. You are not the nasty slurs. You are not what some members of the church have called you.

 

You are beautiful!
You are deeply and unconditionally loved!